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Cock-ups galore in awards show — all hail political winners and losers of the year

(John Coulter, Irish Daily Star)

Emperor Robbo, Marty McGuinness, the Ulster Scots Agency and Irish bloggers have swept the boards in this year's Coulter Coveted Cock-Up Awards sponsored by Coulter's Fearless Flying Column.

Top Tit Trophy goes to First Minister Peter Robinson, the DUP boss, on how to bring the peace process set in place by his predecessor to a grinding halt.

Runner-up is Biffo Cowen for not only making a balls up of the South, but also lacking the balls to stage a coup in the North and push Robbo out of the way.

The Shinners are noble winners of The Restraint Cup for not knee-capping any pervert priests unmasked in the recent clerical abuse scandals.

Sinn Féin's deputy First Minister Marty McGuinness collects the Best of British Award – sponsored by the Black and Tans Appreciation Society – for branding republican dissidents 'traitors' after attacks on the security forces.

The How To Really Cock Up Your Party Cup is clinched by the SDLP, as it rips itself apart trying to decide if Big Al or Wee Maggie should lead it into political oblivion next February now that Turkey Durkey has got the chop.

The Gobshite Cup goes to Irish political blogging for all its terrific support of the Fearless Flying Column in 2009.

Top sites are the UUP arse-licking Bobballs, A Pint of Unionist Lite, and Three Thousand Versts of Loneliness. Keep pumping out that shite folks; sorry, that should read informed political comment.

And talking of crap, a new trophy is making its inaugural appearance – The Bluffing Cup for Fooling Everyone.

It goes to those who actually believe Ulster Scots is a real language.

Yip, the clear winner is the financially astute Ulster Scots Agency. For years, it has marketed a broad Ballymena rural accent as an endangered minority European language.

Hot on the Agency's heels is the winner of The Complete Bollocks Cup, also known as the Chuckey R La Award.

It goes collectively to all Irish lingo groups for failing to promote Gaelic among Northern Unionists.

The FFC's Nomination for X Factor 2010 goes to Northern supporters of Glasgow Rangers soccer club for their caring rendering of The Famine Song.

This section of Rangers supporters proved their interest in promoting good community relations.

But given the Gers' dire cash crisis, maybe some rich Arab prince will bail them out – so no more flying Israeli flags near Rangers clubs otherwise they will be in line for next year's Complete Bollocks Cup.

Speaking of complete bollocks, this year's entry into Coulter's Hall of Utter Horlicks will be Thierry 'The Hand' Henry, for dumping Ireland out of the World Cup.

With a Spring General Election looming, The Shortly To Crash and Burn Cup goes to Ian Paisley Junior, who now seems a certain bet to lose his dad's ultra-safe DUP Commons seat to Traditional Unionist Jimmy Allister.

The Complete Asshole Campaign Cup goes unanimously to the DUP's Euro election team, who just about got Dishy Diane Dodds into the European Parliament – despite losing 66,000 votes to the TUV.

For the previous 30 years, the Paisley camp had romped home with a poll-topping precision. But that was all before being hood-winked at St Andrews by Sinn Féin.

Congratulations to all. Even before 2010 has sounded, an impressive queue of assholes, tits and losers for the Coulter Cups is already being amassed.

December 31, 2009

This article appeared in the December 28, 2009 edition of the Irish Daily Star.



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