Memo to Brian Cowen, leader of the financially buggered Republic. We radical Right-wing evangelical Unionists will ease all your woes.
Face reality, Biffo, the only workable solution to save the South from rapidly deteriorating into an African-style banana republic is a 32-county Ireland in the British Commonwealth.
I've been trying to tell nationalists for a decade your economic stability and political future lies first by joining the Commonwealth Parliamentary Association.
Biffo, whatever you do, don't listen to the infighting Greens, or the 'do whatever the Brits order us' Shinners, or the politically bankrupt Irish Labour.
The CPA represents more than 50 national and regional parliaments – certainly a lot more than the 'soon to follow you down the tubes' European Union.
Grow some balls, Biffo. Just admit for the sake of what is left of your part of the island, that you need to climb back into bed with the British and the English Throne.
The EU can't help you. Yank president Obama will be too busy bombing the crap out of Afghanistan.
Already my advice on urging the Republic to join the Commonwealth is gathering momentum, after a major debate in a Dublin hotel over the weekend.
And before commentators, other politicians and so-called internet bloggers collapse in hysterical laughter, just remember other developments which were dismissed as bollocks.
In 1981, Bobby Sands and his nine fellow hunger strikes died in the Maze.
If you told them that in less than a generation Sinn Féin would operate a British-run Assembly, you would have been told to boil your head. But it happened.
In 1998, anti-Agreement unionists were sticking the boot in the Trimble camp.
If you had suggested Ian Paisley senior would become a Chuckle Brother with the Shinners' top boss Martin McGuinness within a decade, you would have been branded an insane heretic. But he did.
The first steps in the dance whose finale is the Republic in the Commonwealth have already been skipped.
Sinn Féin did not oppose the first motion of the 2007 Assembly which cemented Stormont's place in the CPA.
High-profile debates about Commonwealth membership are now commonplace.
Tragically, it took the deaths of two soldiers and a police officer to put the final peg in the process in place – Sinn Féin is now Eddie McAteer's Stormont Nationalist Party by another name.
As for us radical Right-wingers, we're on our way back to Unionist majority rule, not just in the North, but right across the island.
