Get Ireland Working Again ! That's my Irish Presidential campaign slogan.
With media celebrity Gay Byrne, Hollywood heart throb Martin Sheen, and colourful politician David Norris all out of the Aras race, it's time to unveil Coulter's Covenant for the Irish Nation.
The Celtic Tiger may be skinned financially, but I want to unleash the power of Shamrock Strength.
It's simple. I want 32 of the world's richest multinational companies and multibillionaires to each sponsor an Irish county.
Each global firm or rich man will be responsible for pouring billions of their profits into that county – and in return, the county will carry their names in the titles.
Bring on Tesco Galway, Panasonic Cork, and Allianz Donegal! Arab royalty and Chinese billionaires are more than welcome, too.
Those billions will be used to fund road schemes, the health service, new schools and thousands of jobs.
I will implement a kick-ass security policy with a massive crackdown on crime. The death penalty will be restored for convicted murderers and drug barons.
There will be no English-style yob riots in my Ireland. An Garda Siochana will be armed with machine-guns and every citizen will do at least two years National Service in the Defence Forces.
The assets of all criminals – from joy riders to drug dealers – will be seized and ploughed back into the health service and schools.
The birch will be used to combat anti-social thugs and the cane re-introduced in all schools. Lawless brats will be dumped in borstals, and their parents heavily fined or jailed.
Jails will not become holiday homes, but will convert into hard labour camps. Chain gangs will be used to keep Ireland's roads spotless.
Child killers will face the hangman's noose, with sex offenders and rapists chemically castrated to ensure they no longer pose a danger to communities.
With billionaire firms and individuals sponsoring the counties, the European Union will be told to piss off. Irish profits will not be thrown away paying off the multibillion euro bailout.
Ireland will dump the eurozone, leave the EU, rejoin the British Commonwealth, and re-introduce the beloved and once proud punt.
As for the Catholic Church, every single diocese will face a rigorous Cloyne-style probe to root out alleged pervert priests.
The Orange Order will be given designated non-contentious marching routes. All Protestant Orders and bands will follow these routes, or be formally disbanded.
Catholic bishops, cardinals and senior clerics will have to seek re-election by the people.
The Vatican will not have authority to interfere in these elections. The Catholic people will choose the clerics they want in their parishes.
Irish people living outside the Emerald Isle will have the right to vote in all elections. Biblical Christianity will become the State faith, and every school will have a Christian morning assembly before classes.
Each Irish province will have its own nuclear power station and fuel prices will be cut. The cancer of fuel poverty, especially among the elderly and low income families, will be eradicated.
The billionaire county sponsors must sign a pledge to encourage tourists to flock to their respective regions.
The 'brain drain' of our talented young people and skilled adults having to leave Ireland for study and work will be reversed as county sponsors must contribute significantly to job creation and training.
Those who cannot find work will be drafted into an armed forces reserve organisation and learn a trade.
Free education and health provision, especially university and nursing home places, will be a human right, not a privilege for the rich.
Volunteers will also be strongly sponsored to travel to starvation-torn nations, especially in Africa.
Implement Coulter's Covenant, and Ireland will become a real global nation, not the bankrupt banana island it has unfortunately become.
