The Ulster Scots lingo is like the looming diabetes epidemic in the North – many
people have it, but just don't realise it.
I am all in favour of developing celtic links through sensible Ulster Scots
culture which goes beyond watching Rangers and Celtic go head to head seven
times in one season.
Ulster Scots language fans have to be credited with fooling the European
Union into officially recognising what is effectively a broad north Antrim
accent as a minority tongue.
The DUP's Minister for Fun, Stormont's Culture, Arts and Leisure supremo
Nelson McCausland vented his spleen at my colleague Terry McGeehan recently
after Terry's column questioned why more than £20,000 had been spent on a
project to prepare an Ulster Scots 'word glossary'.
In his blog, Nelson's View, Scottie Nelly penned of Terry: "Clearly Terry
McGeehan is a man who does not allow abject ignorance to stand in the way of
expressing strident views, but it is disappointing that in this day and age such
abject ignorance can pass itself off as journalism."
Scotty Nelly is one of the ardent campaigners for this so-called Ulster Scots
language. Despite the paperwork the EU has in its vast vaults of red tape, the
fact is that Ulster Scots is nothing more than a rural Ballymena accent.
I grew up in north Antrim and spoke with this rural Ulster Scots accent for
many years, cured only by expensive elocution lessons and a few years stint at
BBC Radio Ulster.
Scotty Nelly needs to come clean and admit the Ulster Scots lingo venture is
merely a propaganda stunt to combat republican domination of the Irish language.
Unionists have to realise that nationalists made off on the Irish lingo
bandwagon long ago.
If Unionists had been smart, they would have packed every Irish language
class they could find and reclaim the gaelic tongue for Protestantism, just as
they are trying to do with St Patrick's Day.
However, Unionists were too red-faced to learn Irish because of the Kincora
scandal, the east Belfast boys' home at the centre of an abuse trial in the
1980s.
One of the central figures was William McGrath, the convicted homosexual
pervert and Bible preacher who ran the Protestant terror group, Tara.
McGrath, the Beast of Kincora, was also a suspected MI6 agent and ran his own
Orange lodge, Ireland's Heritage – thought to have the only lodge banner with
gaelic phrases on it.
Unfortunately, in the Protestant community, the Irish language became falsely
associated with child abuse because of Kincora. Genuine Protestant Irish
speakers tended to keep a low profile for fear of being branded rebels or
perverts.
Republican campaigns to promote the Irish language were a runaway success,
leaving Unionists with the dilemma that they needed to come up with a radical
alternative – and fast.
To become a competent and fluent Irish language speaker requires months, even
years, of dedicated practice. The Ulster Scots accent, however, can be mastered
in a matter of days.
So today I am officially launching my campaign to have Bog Latin recognised
as Europe's latest minority tongue. It's a combination of the Derry dialect, my
native Clough accent in Co Antrim, mixed with a splattering of culture from the
north Antrim village of Ballybogey.
I suppose you think I have been drinking too much Maghaberry Moonshine –
well, don't be fooled.
Let's see how far along the EU red tape trail Bog Latin gets. If a Ballymena
accent can be dressed up to look like a credible European language, the Bog
Latin culture surely has a chance.
Protestants are raking in thousands of pounds annually for Ulster Scots
heritage events. Maybe Scotty Nelly will give me a slice of his Stormont cash
pie for my Bog Latin Agency? I could be the BLA's first chief executive at
£50,000 a year plus expenses, of course.
