After the response of unionist politicians to the latest round of loyalist violence, rumours are that the DUP is about to align itself with the social democrat bloc in the European Parliament, while the UUP is considering a merger with the Women's Coalition.
Let's be honest – nationalists are quite good at rioting too. But when they went out and burned buses (considerately allowing the passengers to keep their money and watches) the unionist response was rather less sanguine. If I remember correctly, the most popular response was to urge the turning off of water, power and heat in Catholic areas. And if you think that idea harks back to days of Morris Marinas and Gilbert jumpers, you'd be wrong – some red-faced unionist proposed it in Lisburn Council just a couple of years ago. It's a suggestion that might perhaps have carried more weight if we all didn't already have extensive experience of eating cold beans by candlelight while huddled round a battery-powered radio.
Live rounds, that was another good one; send in the SAS, that suggestion was always guaranteed, even though West Belfast was swarming with them already; cordons; walls; raids; internment; curfew. The unionists were brimming with muscular ideas about how to put uppity Fenians in their place, but, disappointingly, in the past few days the thundering indignation has disappeared, replaced by a tender, touchy-feely sensibility more in keeping with a Quakers' convention.
The local unionist papers had their cake and wolfed it down. Dramatic reports and pictures of loyalist violence were evened out in the editorials with heartbreaking descriptions of loyalist suffering and disadvantage. On Monday, the first day the dailies had to reflect on a weekend of madness, the News Letter – not normally renowned for the depth of its social analysis in the wake of street violence – had this to say: "When the violence is halted and a full and fair analysis is made into the causes of resentment in the Protestant communities, it must extend well beyond irritation over a re-routed Orange march to examine the deprivation, educational under-achievement, unemployment and the official harassment and denial of loyalist culture that now exists."
Now while I've read plenty of News Letter editorials lately about Orange parades and Sinn Féin/IRA, I can't say I've read too many in recent weeks and months about educational underachievement and social deprivation in loyalist areas. If, whatchamacallit... schools, exams and that, were exercising loyalists to the extent that they were willing to wreck the place, then you'd think some unionist leader writers might have seen their way fit recently to, ah, give it a mention like; and if, thingymajig... deprivation, lack of community infrastructure and so on, were pushing loyalists over the edge, then wouldn't you like to think the unionist press might have noticed it?
Yesterday (Wednesday), the Belfast Telegraph editorial opined: "The rioters may have been young, recruited by paramilitary godfathers, but discontent runs deep in particularly deprived areas where schools are emptying and small shops are closing. The contrast between Protestant neighbourhoods, where populations are in decline, and Catholic areas is striking, both in vibrancy and morale."
Whether young people are likely to be inspired to destroy their own streets by dwindling class sizes and the absence of corner shops is open to question, but I'm in favour of anybody who's trying to go beyond the hysteria and the hype. But I also ask, where was the Telegraph's finely-honed social conscience and its willingness to see past the destruction and the mayhem when nationalists attacked the PSNI in Ardoyne on July 12?
Clearly, it's not just unionist politicians who are speaking out of both sides of their mouth on this one.
