No other party leader on this island is more loved, at least by his own. As
soon as the Rev Ian Paisley took to the stage, DUP delegates rose to their
feet and there they stayed for five minutes, cheering, clapping, and waving.
"I was beginning to fear people didn't want to hear me!" Paisley teased,
when he eventually got a word in. But the big grin said it all. The DUP does
nothing quietly so the first party conference since it swept the election
boards would always be triumphalist.
Paisley remembered darker days, when his party was on the margins, despised
and demonised by opponents. But he'd never thought of giving up, he
declared, quoting Shakespeare: "Let come what will, I will bear it out. He
is not worthy of the honeycomb that shuns the hive because the bees have
stings."
The DUP had been stung by "journalistic bees, broadcasting bees,
ecclesiastical bees, government bees and big republican bees and wasps. Yet
we've survived to enjoy the honey!"
The Belfast Agreement was stinking in the grave, "dug with the spade of
truth". Paisley was delighted Martin McGuinness had denounced this week's
IMC report as "bullshit". The DUP had "hit the bull's eye" and McGuinness
was obviously well acquainted with one particular part of a bull.
MP Sammy Wilson said the Ulster Unionists had played their own version of
Big Brother at the Westminster election – "all but one of them was thrown
out of the House".
If George Galloway was a pussycat, David Trimble had been the house poodle
"begging and doing tricks for Tony, Bertie and Gerry". The sole survivor was
"that blonde bombshell" North Down MP, Lady Sylvia Hermon, "the dizzy dame
from Donaghadee, Chantelle without the brains!"
If the UUP was playing Big Brother, Sinn Féin was working for Big Brother,
Sammy said: "They started out with a Stakeknife, now they've got a whole
cutlery set!" Wee Denis Donaldson must be "teaspoon".
Sammy noted Gerry Adams had confessed to hugging trees: "What he didn't say
was that half his party prefer the Branch! And up at the top is Tom
Hartley, the secret squirrel!"
Instead of gathering in the Felons' Club, Sammy reckoned veteran Shinners
now met in the Decommissioned Arms: "Old Provos never die, they just go out
to grass!"
Gossip among activists centred on whether deputy leader Peter Robinson, who
has just had laser eye surgery, suited his spectacle-free new look. "Maybe
the party will be offering us all some botox and nip-and-tucks," said one
enthusiastic female delegate.
"No surgery for me," declared Ian Paisley jnr, "though the wife reckons I
need reduction. It's far too big – the ego, that is!"
