Warrenpoint's Sinn Féin Advice Centre caught the eye of a visiting English friend a couple of months ago.
"Can you go in and give them advice?" he asked me. "Not with your accent," I replied, but this was a guess because in truth I've never been inside a Sinn Féin advice centre. However, I have a clear mental imagine of what that experience might involve. I imagine a draughty room full of angry posters and photocopied leaflets, where a spotty bloke in a bad jumper would greet me in Irish as a test. But what's your mental image of the inside of a DUP advice centre? Curious myself I've called into the party's new Portadown premises to find out.
The first thing to note is that this is not called an 'advice centre' for that title is forever tainted. The sign outside the Victorian townhouse reads 'DUP Local Government Office' which is curious phraseology as you'd think the term 'local government' was tainted in DUP circles as well. Inside a long high counter dominates the large lobby-like space, all painted a soothing yet officious light blue. There are no posters, no slogans, no scripture, no graven images of Paisley and a single Union flag draped bashfully round a vertical pole in the corner. A small landscape of Parliament Buildings hangs on the back wall, proving that whatever they say in public the DUP still like keeping Stormont in the frame.
I introduce myself to the young man behind the counter, who is not spotty but who is wearing a bad jumper.
"The Irish News eh?" he says brightly. "Good paper – I've been on the front page myself. Best not talk about that though."
Then he laughs which is not the defensive response I was expecting and introduces himself as Councillor Alan Carson, which I wasn't expecting either. Councillor Carson explains that in its first two months the office has been "swamped with inquiries, political and non-political, from all sections of the community".
I ask him to define a 'political' problem and he brings up the issue of flags and bunting, currently a hot topic hereabouts. The issue is complicated, explains Councillor Carson, because sometimes 'people from our own community' object to loyalist flags, while others object only to torn and scruffy loyalist flags, while others still won't have loyalist flags removed under any circumstances.
"Just the other day we had someone in complaining about the bunting," the councillor adds.
"You're joking," I say.
"No," continues Councillor Carson, "he was very angry that the SDLP is complaining about our bunting with that Armagh Gaelic bunting all over the place."
Oh dear. However, things sound slightly more promising on the 'non-political' front, with solutions offered daily on pot holes, housing, disability access, pollution and leisure facilities.
"I'm a local representative and I'll do what I can for anybody," Councillor Carson says and while I don't believe this I think he actually does, which is progress of a kind, I suppose.
Suddenly Councillor David Simpson bursts through the door, having been alerted to my presence by telephone. I have no problem recognising Councillor Simpson – he almost unseated David Trimble at the last Westminster election and now promotes himself widely as our MP-in-waiting. Councillor Simpson is not averse to rabble rousing on the campaign trail but in person his behaviour is impeccable. This office was his idea, he largely funds it and he shows me around with some satisfaction. There's a sizeable function room where public meetings will be held with charities, agencies and residents groups ('We're 10 years behind Sinn Féin on that one') plus a smaller office dominated, bizarrely, by a Canadian flag. We sit beneath the maple leaf and Councillor Simpson outlines his vision of a network of DUP local government offices which will revolutionise people's attitudes to their elected representatives, providing a single point of contact for dealing with local government, staffed by councillors and open to everyone regardless of class, colour or creed.
"Nobody knows what's going to happen with Stormont," Councillor Simpson admits, "so we're going to work on making our councillors more effective and our MPs more accessible."
Then he insists I mention the 'many nationalist people' who don't share his politics but have wished him well – but just when I'm wondering if I've stumbled into the Corrymeela Centre the subject of the Ulster Unionist Party comes up and the insults start flying. The UUP has lost touch with the unionist people. The UUP isn't interested in constituency work. David Trimble can't even visit Portadown these days (although calling off the DUP rent-a-mobs might help with that one). People are angry with the UUP Councillor Simpson says and he's angry with them as well – much angrier then he seems to be towards the decade-ahead Shinners or the well-wishing nationalists and I'm afraid that Councillor Simpson has a point. The UUP has spent the past five years not firing Jeffrey Donaldson – a truly remarkable peace process legacy – and now a weary unionist electorate awaits its Blair-given chance to fire the UUP, a party which can no longer generate in its entirety half the energy and optimism I've sensed in this office today.
The DUP may still be a bigoted and backward cult but it is on the march. Taking that seriously might now be the best advice of all.
