There is a growing opinion among unionists – myself included – that the DUP is the political opponent Sinn Féin deserves. But it is difficult to think of anyone who deserves www.ianpaisley.org, the official website of Northern Ireland's most popular politician.
The website contains articles from a heavenly host of contributors, including this little gem from the Rev Ivan Foster: "I lived as a typical teenager in the '60s, with little thought of God, or sin, or eternity, or hell. That came to an end, however, as the result of an encounter with five Christian girls while travelling on a train to Portrush…"
But the bulk of the material is written by Dr Paisley himself. It forms a vast diary of a life-long obsessional hatred, written in a style so self-consciously and self-righteously medieval that one wonders how the Paisleys communicate at home. "Whosoever passeth the salt shall be blessed in mine eyes", perhaps?
The focus of all this hatred is Rome and all her works, being "meet subjects for lamentation". The worshipping of virgins for example, possibly on trains to Portrush, troubles Dr Paisley greatly: "The first lesson communicated to a Popish child is the duty of worshipping the Virgin, of whom he is taught to think as a sort of royal grandmother, wonderfully rich, astonishingly compassionate, and very fond of him" – like the Queen Mum in fact, albeit more potent from beyond the grave.
But as well as having an extra grandmother in heaven Catholics also have an extra father on earth – his Holiness, the Supreme Pontiff, Papa… the antichrist. The 'Pope is the anti-Christ' section of www.ianpaisley.org contains 25 laborious essays on the subject in which Dr Paisley displays more faith in papal divinity than any Catholic I've ever met. It is Dr Paisley who, by calling the Pope the anti-Christ, elevates the Pope to the level of Christ. But of course Dr Paisley can't simply say that the Pope is just some bloke from Poland, because then it might occur to his own worshippers that Dr Paisley is just some bloke from Ballymena.
A more worldly paranoia surrounds the BBC, which Dr Paisley believes has been "seized by Romanism". His bizarre evidence for this is a complaint made by former BBC director general Sir John Birt of anti-Catholicism within the corporation, which Paisley describes as "a clever piece of Jesuitry" to distract attention from the BBC's true pro-Rome agenda.
"By their fruits we have come to know them," the good Doctor mysteriously adds – what else does he think is going on at Broadcasting House? And while we're on the subject the 'Rome and Politics' section berates the European parliament for enacting gay equality laws.
"Are there going to be no safeguards for those who believe that sex should only be between male and female?" Dr Paisley asks, apparently believing that homosexuality is now compulsory. The website also warns that "Christians should not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. They should marry their own". Readers of the Irish News who believe this applies to them should consult 'Five reasons why Catholics are not Christians' before proceeding further. My advice is if you're interested in a Free Presbyterian girl just sleep with her for a couple of months then move on. It's the decent thing to do.
There's further confusion in the St Patrick section, where Dr Paisley notes that the English were responsible for introducing papal authority to Ireland. Doubtless reeling from the historical irony of it all, he suggests that this makes Free Presbyterians the true heirs to the Celtic Church, which certainly puts the 'Wolfe Tone was a unionist' debate into context.
But for the truest insight into Dr Paisley's mind I recommend the essays on ecumenism.
This is what most innocent bystanders regard as 'Christianity', the unity Christians claim to want and against which their actual behaviour eternally falls short. The problem with ecumenism is that neither the Catholic Church nor Dr Paisley can belong to any movement they don't totally control. Rome deals with this by kidding itself that everyone will come around to its way of thinking in the end. Dr Paisley deals with it thus: "There is no place for dialogue with Rome. When Satan rebelled, God did not call him to the dialogue table: He cast him out of Heaven."
So there you have it folks – the difference between us. Catholics refuse to believe that anyone seriously disagrees with them, while Protestants refuse to talk about it at all.
Of course this sort of theological hair-splitting is pointless nonsense in the grown-up world but in Northern Ireland such arguments extend beyond religion into politics, especially when made by a prominent politician. They become community crutches, sectarian grudges and cultural insults. Dr Paisley's website quotes the Bible often, but the only piece of scripture it brings to my mind is John 11:35. Jesus Wept.
