Ah glorious summer, season of pissed and bellowing fruitlessness, when the plaintive cry of "What about our human rights?" rises like birdsong amid the tyre-smoke. But even as debate about the Bill of Rights drags on and on a much more interesting case is unfolding in the English town of Guildford where the Sunday Times columnist Jonathan Miller has informed a magistrate that Article 10 of the European Convention on Human Rights (Freedom to receive information without interference) means he doesn't have to pay his television licence. Meanwhile the legality of automatic speed cameras has been challenged by Scottish drivers under Article 6 (everyone is entitled to a fair and public hearing), while the Northern Ireland Human Rights Commission has been asked if mobile phone masts breach Article 2 (everyone's right to life shall be protected). If such mischief is possible under the European Convention – a document so conservative it makes specific provision for capital punishment – how much more fun is in the offing from our new Bill of Rights, which will celebrate "the particular circumstances of Northern Ireland" through dozens of extra untested statutory freedoms?
The Bill of Rights has yet to be published but as is usual for any quango in the midst of a public consultation exercise the Human Rights Commission has already decided exactly what it wants to include. With admirable shamelessness, it has even made its intended recommendations public. Here are just a few of them along with their possible implications.
Everyone has the right to adequate housing:
Delivering this right at current average house prices will cost £170 billion – an impressive commitment. As adequate housing certainly includes water and sewerage, this renders Angela Smith's creeping water privatisation plan illegal. Perhaps the Human Rights Commission will use its new search and seizure powers to smash up her living room.
Everyone has the right to enjoy their culture:
It's the word 'enjoy' here that's going to cause problems, for when an Orangeman bangs a Lambeg drum he's merely exercising his culture. To truly enjoy the experience, he has to bang it outside a chapel during morning mass.
Everyone has the right to practice their religion:
And presumably everyone has the right to ear muffs if there's a Lambeg drum outside at the time. But what about those Free Presbyterian schools which claim they have a religious obligation to smack children? Clearly exceptions to universal rights can not be made on the basis of religion, so to avoid discrimination we must all have the right to smack Free Presbyterian children. It's for their own good you know.
There will be no discrimination in the selection of children for different forms of education:
Great news for people of an Irish News-reading persuasion – now you can send your children to a Free Presbyterian school as well.
The government has a duty to protect elements essential to a community's sense of identity:
So much for getting rid of those LVF flags then.
Everyone has the right to involvement in civic life, education and the media:
Why include the media on this list? If the commission is implying that people are excluded from the media because of their beliefs, background, race or gender I can assure them that this is a shocking slur on our industry. People are only ever excluded from the media for being dull or ugly – and quite right too.
Everyone has the right to erect signs (including street signs) in any language:
If any Irish News readers are planning to avail of this particular right, you should note that the correct Ulster-Scots translation of Twinbrook is Two-Bairns Shuck.
But hidden among all these brave aspirations is a grave cop-out, for despite pontificating at length on the importance of women's rights the commission has concluded that "it would be inappropriate for the issue of abortion to be resolved by the Bill of Rights; it is best dealt with by specific legislation drafted by democratically-elected representatives". It's good to know that when the going gets tough the Northern Ireland Human Rights Commission falls back on majority rule. You really have to wonder why the DUP is getting so worked up about the Bill of Rights – it could well provide the basis for that 'renegotiated' Good Friday Agreement they're muttering about. The Ulster-Scots for ferry to Liverpool, incidentally, is nae wae lassie.
Finally (and I'm not making this up)
The mentally-ill have the right to stand for public office:
The commission reckons that in a fully rights-aware democracy it is for voters alone to decide on a candidate's suitability and hence nobody should be disqualified from standing for election due to a history of mental illness.
Has three years of public consultation taught them nothing? Voting for lunatics is what got us into this mess in this first place.
