We've been here before, of course – so often, you could nearly predict the moves and chant the lines as David Trimble does his Doris Day routine. One minute he's ready for action, flashing that come-on toothy smile. Next, when interested parties close in, he squawks and flounces from the room, how dare they? This time the squawks are because he doesn't like the kind of language he's hearing.
Yes, of course he once said that deeds not words were what counted, but changing your mind is a politician's prerogative, isn't it? Besides, republicans are such rotten two-timers, people in Colombia say they've been seen consorting with the FARC.
The truth is, of course, that David, like Doris, is secretly longing to do the business.
But how to do so without losing his dignity? If he leans too much one way, he exposes his soft bits to the likes of Jeffrey Donaldson and the DUP; too much the other and nationalists, Bertie Ahern and maybe even Tony Blair might be shocked by the side of him they see. Can you think of a stickier political position?
There must be days when David Trimble wakes up and wonders why he didn't stay with law lecturing, preferably somewhere far from this bloody place.
So let's imagine that's what happened. Several years ago a college in Colombia heard about David's lecturing talents and offered him a nice job.
He emigrated, settled in that lovely country, joined a teaching union. The civilized cloisters of academe instead of the treacherous intrigue of Stormont – what a relief, eh?
Well no.
Last year, the Colombian government killed 70 members of the country's teaching trade union. On January 13 they murdered the rector of the Floiran Faras College in Colombia.
Blanca Ludivia Herandez, vice president of the trade union for health and social security workers, was tortured and then shot. Filipe Navarro, of the petrol workers union, was dragged from his home and shot repeatedly in the face. Jorge Henao, the president of the Municipal Employees Association, is hiding in exile. Official figures say 70,000 Colombians are living in Britain – some put the number at well over 100,000.
"There's an atmosphere of fear in universities" academic sources there say. "They're frequently invaded by the armed forces".
In short, if David or any of his clutch of academic advisers were working in a Colombian university today, they'd be in mortal danger from the Colombian government. And yet if you ask David why he brought down the assembly last time, he'll tell you it was, among other things, because Irish republicans were consorting with a group opposed to the Colombian government.
How odd – a unionist leader siding with a government which colludes in the murder of its citizens. But that's all hypothetical.
The fact is, David did leave lecturing, he does lead the UUP, and so far, his Doris Day wiggle has served him well. Dazzled by it, Tony Blair has followed his bidding and brought down the assembly three or was that four times?
Now, as David says, it's crunch time. He's told Tony Blair the thing his heart most desires and must have – the head of P O'Neill on a plate. If he can't have it, well he'll just pack up and leave, and let Tony see how he likes tangoing with the likes of Peter Robinson and Sammy Wilson and Ian Og ('my da is handsome') Paisley.
Unfortunately, David's Doris routine this time includes two stumbled steps. The first is that the UUP leader appears to have forgotten how insatiable the Ulster Unionist Council is.
The head of P O'Neill, crisply cooked with an apple in his mouth, would still not begin to quell their appetites. David's other stumble is his belief that forcing the IRA to bend lower, no lower still, no, lower than that, face on the floor before decapitation – that this ritual humiliation will confirm him, David, as top unionist dog and reduce Gerry Adams's rumbling tones to the falsetto of a political eunuch.
It could happen – David's wiggle and squawk have worked before, they could turn the trick this time again.
Far more likely however is that, uncoupled from the IRA, Sinn Féin will emerge from the coming election with even thicker lead in their electoral pencils, the Ulster Unionist Council will press the self-destruct button and David, in a dudgeon to beat all dudgeons, will mince off to the House of Lords. And what a relief that will be for us all.
