For most of my adult life I have waited for a 'nunc demittis'. I wanted the 'war' to end and the peace to begin. Chance had introduced me, as a young man, to one of the heartlands of the Troubles. I came to know and greatly respect the ways of the people and even though I was a southerner, I think I became one of them. I also became acquainted with guns and bombs and death.
I came face to face with war and all its trappings and I did not like what I saw.
I grew impatient for a settlement that would embrace everyone, unionist and nationalist. Like most people, at times, I probably came close to despair. As the years passed and I grew older the words of the 'nunc demittis' kept popping into my head.
It seemed to capture the best desires of most of us, including the combatants. It is the Latin for the joyful outburst of the old man, Simeon, who spent many years waiting to see his Messiah: "At last, all powerful Master, you give leave to your servant to go in peace, according to your promise."
We have all grown used to the nail biting episodic nature of our politics but I think that last week was one of the most torturous in a long history. It encapsulated and defined all the dynamics of the last 30 years and it held up to the light the possibility of peace while, at the same time, exposing the prospects of failure.
For those of us who lived through, or were involved in, the Troubles there has not been the relief and luxury of complete emotional freedom. There are deep caverns in the mind attuned to every political advancement or regression. We have developed antennae that are sensitive to every nuance in the political debate.
We have also become hardened and experienced in knowing that the changing and transforming fruits, that fall from the tree of the Good Friday Agreement, are delicate and intermittent.
Thankfully there have been transforming moments that are irreversible. The first came with the first IRA ceasefire. The most impacting was the referendum that gave authority and power to the Good Friday Agreement. Momentous as these and other events were, they were still not a 'nunc demittis'.
The agreement had left much that was deliberately ambiguous and vague. The IRA were not signatories and many in the republican movement were incapable and unwilling to envisage a standing down of the IRA while Ireland remained divided.
Unionists were understandably uneasy and distrustful of republican intentions, while nationalists longed for convincing words and actions that proved that enough unionists were wedded to the full implementation of the agreement. Instead we engaged in confrontational and adversarial politics.
Within that atmosphere it became difficult to retain a clear and independent mind. Our history had not gifted us with a surfeit of independent thinkers and the word itself became confused with other less worthy attitudes.
The media were a perfect example of that confusion. They were fond of reducing independence to the cliche, that if they were annoying both sides in the political divide then they must be doing something right. It doesn't take a genius to realise that if both sides are wrong and you are annoying both sides then you too might be wrong.
Those who view themselves as independent thinkers need to avoid confusing independence with fence sitting or sideline philosophising. Independence is the search for what you judge to be right and convincing after you have listened to and understood all the arguments.
The events of the last week deserve independent comment and judgment. My own judgment is that the IRA statement as outlined by Gerry Adams could have been my 'nunc demittis'. I could have gone in peace. The war would have been finally over and republicans would have finally committed themselves to fighting all their battles within the political arena.
That 'nunc demittis' was only delivered after a few torturous weeks. Republicans would have preferred not to deliver it just yet. They expended much energy in explaining to friend and foe alike that if they moved too far and too fast they were in danger of fragmenting their movement.
They were faced down by three governments determined that if they didn't go far enough they would be handed most of the responsibility for banishing politics to the desert for years to come.
At the same time, my judgment is that David Trimble also got it so wrong and he got it so very, very wrong. For him and his party what was on offer may not have been the 'nunc demittis' he may have wanted and may even have had needed more.
That may have been understood in the nationalist, republican community had Trimble acknowledged the import of what had happened and then outlined and explained his needs. But to reject, deflate and scorn what for many was of such significance and import was just another insult added to a growing list.
It is the role of political parties to select their own leadership. That is their prerogative.
But it is the prerogative and responsibility of all the political parties to elect the first minister.
It is now clear that we are not going to have an election and it will be some time in the future before a first minister is put forward for selection.
It should also be clear that David Trimble could never again be that minister.
His judgment and behaviour during the last week rules him out, in my opinion, as a suitable person to lead all of the people.
He should realise that, as regards the first minister, he should now embrace his 'nunc demittis'.
