Politicians never lie but sometimes you have to watch them. Left to themselves they've a tendency to strike poses that look 24-carat but are in fact fake.
Nothing fake about the DUP when they thought they were going into an election. Peter Robinson nearly broke into a victory jig at his campaign launch; in the end he settled for promising the UUP a shock-and-awe election, followed by radical regime change. Under the TV lights, his glasses glinted like a lion's teeth at the sight of some plump Christians.
Sinn Féin showed a similar hunger. The party has been in serious training all winter; and when it looks like you could collect an extra half-dozen Assembly seats, you don't have to fake happy – you are.
True anticipation followed by true outrage. Tony Blair's explanation, that we'd make a bigger mess of things if an election were held, only made matters worse. The DUP were truly deeply mad and Sinn Féin were truly deeply madder.
The UUP, though, were cross-eyed with relief. The muscles twitching in David Trimble's face spoke of a man longing to do a Martin O'Neill leap and yell 'Yeeeessssssss!!!' except it mightn't look dignified and he'd probably start blushing.
And the SDLP? Well, they tell anyone who'll listen that they really really want to hear from voters. Did then, do now. "The elections should never have been postponed." Mark Durkan said on Tuesday. "And elections should now take place in June, not the autumn."
What's going on here? Aren't the SDLP in some disarray? There was that Annie Courtenay affair in Derry, where she was deselected and stormed out with her supporters. And yesterday this paper suggested the SDLP could lose a seat on Newry and Mourne District Council, thanks to some further internecine dagger-work. So why would Mark Durkan say he can't wait to get to the polls, when it's widely believed the SDLP would have taken a pasting?
Well, because with every day, David Trimble gives off a stronger smell of political death; standing too close to somebody like that could do untold damage to the SDLP. Tony Blair can throw his arms around Trimble and hold him up, but then since Iraq, Tony Blair figures he can do whatever he likes, up to and maybe including making the dead walk. Whatever their private misgivings, the SDLP simply must look eager for battle.
How the wheel turns.
In the 1980s, faced with a Sinn Féin electoral surge, John Hume's party constructed the Anglo-Irish Agreement. That deal did one important thing for nationalists – it lodged a southern foot in the northern door and that foot has stayed firmly there.
From the day the Anglo-Irish Agreement was signed, each time a British minister made a statement about the north's future, an Irish minister could be seen at his side. It wasn't joint authority, but to nationalists it looked pretty near it.
And then last week happened and it became clear that the British had simply been pretending – humouring us. Tony Blair, who on his first visit here announced he was a unionist, decided an election could send David Trimble to a point beyond resuscitation, so he cancelled it. Howls of protest from everyone except the UUP, but so what? When you've faced down half your own Labour Party, when you've told the leaders of the EU where to get off, when you're best buddy with the world's most powerful if perhaps dumbest leader, you don't let a parcel of paddies make up your mind for you or put words in your mouth. Vice versa, in fact. So Tony pulled the election.
And in doing so, he made clear that the role of southern politicians in relation to the north is, when it comes to the crunch, that of junior partner. Maybe not even that. Michael McDowell says they're honest brokers, Gerry Adams says McDowell's a not-much-good messenger boy. Co-signatories to the Good Friday Agreement, equal partners in its implementation? Here, pull the other one, it plays 'Rule Brittania.'
The truth is, Tony Blair has thumped the ears of nationalist Ireland and taken away our Assembly toy; but like a firm, kind parent, he came back on Tuesday to explain what he'd done and why. To prove it, he's promised us that if we learn to behave, we'll get a little bit of equality and a little bit of human rights and maybe even a piece of policing sometime in the future.
Thank you, Father Tony. We know you speak sincerely and that it's for our own good.
