You may have remarked on the number of recent sightings of the Lesser Spotted Brass-Necked Former MLA. Brace yourself for a lot more. The sightings are directly related to the mention of possible assembly election dates. Two meetings between Gerry Adams and David Trimble in the same lunar cycle are enough to ruffle feathers, but when you add in meetings with Tony Blair and Bertie Ahern and now with Blair's local bag man, that has really got wings flapping.
To top it all off people are naming dates: November 13, November 27, even the prospect of canvassing and voting in the dark on December 4. So the more jittery ex-MLAs have already decided there's going to be an election. Even if there isn't, they reckon they've nothing to lose by letting the voters know they're still alive.
So what do they do? They invent some issue and issue a statement about it. Have you noticed statements are always issued whereas policies, documents and manifestos are launched? If our jittery ex-MLA is lucky no member of a DPP will have been threatened that day and the statement will get airtime. Real luck and our candidate gets a ten-second interview. It's urgent you see because once an election is called the Representation of the People Act comes into force which means radio and TV can't carry a candidate's statement without giving equal airtime to every other eejit standing in the same constituency.
That leaves about three weeks during which you can study laughable attempts at publicity by our local hopefuls. Laughable, because our would-be MLAs don't really expect the media to give them air time for the daft proposals they come up with. Take one last week demanding more rights for victims of crime. The culprit actually got a local TV interview about this even though the proposal would require primary legislation at Westminster plus government time and support to get it through. You may as well demand that gravity be abolished. On second thoughts, some DUP Ballymena hopeful might just demand that, if you told him there was gravity on Sundays.
The saddest part of these poor craturs screaming 'Me, Me, Me', is that they are so consumed with their own importance no-one can persuade them their efforts are futile. With the list system of voting to the assembly designed to squeeze independents and the small parties, and our inbuilt sectarian voting patterns, voters will vote for the party leader they prefer on their side of the fence, not the candidate frantically issuing statements. Think about it. If you leave out Gerry Adams, Martin McGuinness, Mitchel McLaughlin and Gerry Kelly, name five more Sinn Féin ex-MLAs. Take out Ian Paisley, Peter Robinson and Nigel Dodds, then name five more DUP people. You can't, unless you're a political correspondent and even then... hmm.
Some of them are so stupid and arrogant that they even waste their party's money putting up posters with personal photos on them: a very dangerous practice. Whereas voters might have voted for them just because of the party ticket, a mere glimpse of a picture of some of the characters is enough to sway voters in another direction within their ethnic bloc. It might be an idea to run a candidate without a photo on a poster and next time with photo and see what difference it makes. Perhaps if they can't get an executive up and running in six weeks someone might volunteer? Indeed there's sound evidence that posters of any kind make no difference at all in the north. Try telling that to candidates though.
So brace yourself. In expectation of an election the dead will arise and appear to many in the next three weeks. People you haven't clapped eyes on since 1998 will materialise on your doorstep and promise the moon and the stars or even something they think you might want. If there's no election called they'll vanish again from your life as completely as before. There are 100 of these lost souls but there are over 1,000 selected candidates wandering in limbo who never got to slurp the gravy. Spare them a thought. Since they don't get paid to exist in eternal suspended animation like the species known as former MLAs, this army of new hopefuls can't even hope to get air time now with a spurious statement like members of that privileged group.
Then when an election is called the Representation of the People Act clicks in and no- one will carry a word they say. You can't tell them it's all sewn up already because the only item that matters is where they are on the party list. Statements and photos don't enter into it.
